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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 4, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight and yeah, i'll take a look at a dessert menu. i deserve it! donald trump is taking new steps every day to turn our country into the world's largest dave and busters. he recently asked congress to cut $1.5 billion from the department of the interior, which funds our national parks. it's reasonable to fear that to stay open, the parks will have to privatize, meaning that we could someday see old faithful spraying ice cold p.b.r. all over a sexy transformer. ya, bumblebee. shake those honey combs! [ applause ] >> chris: but wait. maybe this trump guy isn't all moustache-twirling, hound-releasing evil.
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he has pledged to donate his first presidential salary payment to the park service. to put that in perspective, if you divide the salary amongst the 417 parks, each will receive a whopping $187.85! [cheers and applause] >> chris: hooray! the environment is saved. no one has to close now that they're getting approximately the amount that little josh -- jason nadler got for his bar mitzvah. he could of saved a park. comedians, what are america's wide open spaces going to do with their almost $200 in new money? kevin smith. >> they could pay russian hookers to peon them. >> chris: yes, points. >> used condoms for me and all my rangers. >> chris: points. points. rob. >> they could probably afford to
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put that smoky bear guy into rehab finally. [laughing] >> chris: it's about time someone stepped in. [ applause ] >> chris: he needs some kind of intervention. >> the guy will smoke anything. chris: only you -- >> i want to know why your bear is wilfred brimley. >> chris: this smoky bear needs his diabetes medication delivered to his door and marboros. >> i don't think we give trump enough credit finding a black guy and dressing him up like a ranger and giving him the check. he's like, i'm the super token today. >> chris: our president guys. >> yes. chris: i said something yesterday that bummed the awed off. when he cranks off no a towel that towel has the presidential seal on it. >> that is if he's classy enough to wank off into a towel.
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[ applause ] >> chris: we know a lot just hits a picture of putin. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus! t-rexes are the most terrifying beast from prehistoric times, according to a new study they weren't mindless killers but sensitive lovers. next we will find out there is more. a new paper in the journal "scientific reports" reveals that t-rexes may have had snouts as tender as human fingertips and that they "rubbed their sensitive faces together in a prehistoric form of foreplay." because handjobs are a hassl -- difficult for a t-rex. in a lot of cases they think that's how they died. fell because they couldn't get close enough. very, very tricky dangerous business if you're a t-rex giving an hj.
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comedians, if t-rexes were such sensitive lovers, what's a dinosaur pick up line you might have heard? >> my tiny hands make my dick look huge. [laughing] >> i can't reach it. it's all the way down there. all the way down there. oh! horrible irony. >> however my ribs have been removed and i can reach it with my sensitive snout. >> chris: yes, rob. >> woo ya! >> you know you won't get pregnant if we do it in the tar pit. [laughing] [cheers and applause] >> hard to sell it with that. >> every lady will say yes if you add a -- >> chris: kevin smith. >> i want a t-rex bad ass to eat
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the jurassic pork. >> chris: very good. points. [ applause ] >> chris: next, a real screamer. yesterday was the opening day of major league baseball, or as nerds call it, "monday." but it wasn't a happy day for mets fan frank fleming, seen here having a "run-of-the-mill heart attack." what was fleming furious about? was it a. the incompetence of new jersey mass transit b. the refreshment stand that cut him off after 25 orders of chicken wings c. steve buscemi barfed in his lap. >> the refreshment stand that cut him off after 250 winks. >> chris: no, that's just mean. >> i want to point out all of those things have happened to me. >> chris: you're very lucky. [ applause ] >> chris: the correct answer was a, stan back and take a lashing. >> a ab absolute worst!
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[laughing] >> the problem is i told my dad which train to take he didn't hear me. >> chris: why doesn't he listen to you, kevin. [ applause ] >> the good news, the good news is my dad is finally on "@midnight." >> chris: together. i wish you guys would start talking again. >> baby steps. chris: let's check the scoreboards from "archer" and her film debut on april 7th it's aisha tyler. [ applause ] >> chris: with three hundred points the episode he directs of "the gold pwergz" airs tomorrow night. that's kevin smith over there.
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[ applause ] >> chris: and with it 300 points from "how to be a latin lover," in theaters april 28th, it's rob riggle. [cheers and applause] and now it's time for tonight's #hashtagwars. it's april, the time of the year where we give uncle sam his annual pound of flesh, after taking a few deductions for the flesh you gave to charity and that car you had to rent when you went to the beach -- minneapolis. we've been helping our viewers keep their costs down this week with our budget hashtags. tonight we're gonna save you some cash at the theater with tonight's hashtag #budgetmovies. examples: "honey, i sold the kids" and "weekend at bernie madoff's." 10 seconds, begin. aisha. >> buy go one, get go one free. chris: rob. >> the devil wears sketchers. chris: points. kevin.
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>> chasing amy down for the 20 bucks she owes me. >> chris: good. rob. >> straight out of coupon. chris: points. aisha tyler. >> super saving private ryan. chris: points. kevin smith. >> jack and mary make minimum wage. >> chris: points. rob. >> the magnificent 7-11. chris: kevin. >> striking tj max. chris: rob. >> good will bargain hunting. chris: aisha. >> moonlighting at the target black friday sale. >> chris: kevin. >> dog ma can i borrow 20 bucks. chris: very good. i want to comment kevin smith, the first person who has done all of the things he can reference in the hashtag. [cheers and applause] unprecedented. >> thank you. chris: aisha. >> get out your wallet.
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chris: kevin. >> another sears is closing and moving out of the mall rats. >> chris: yes, very -- good. you got it >> i figure while i'm here plug the old cad catalog while i'm . >> chris: kevin. >> national lampoon central florida vacation. >> chris: send us your #budgetmovies and tag them @midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @auntiem1977. us by @auntiem1977. well done!
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kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longer-lasting flavor? mmm (zipping) (zipping) (rattling) longer-lasting juicy fruit. so sweet you can't help but chew and chew.
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with delicious new options like the juicy mozzarella burger and savory caprese chicken. getting two generous entrées and an app has never tasted so good. the 2-for-23 deal. only at applebee's.
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>> chris: welcome back to
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@midnight. it's time to play "( bleep )-teo lames: licensed to ill edition." for as long as there have been video games, there have been licensed video games, which take movies and tv shows and make them interactive. some are awesome, but many are unnecessary and baffling, like "the sopranos: road to respect." why play as batman when you can curbstomp a stoolie behind a the bada bing? comedians, i'll show you a clip from an awful licensed game and for 250 points you answer a follow up question. first up, here's a song and dance number about your favorite space smuggler, from "kinect star wars:" ♪ classic video. a classic. what is another star wars song from this game? >> i did it all for the wookie.
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chris: very good, points. very good. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next, look! up in the lavender void! it's "superman 64!" >> there is no time to waste. [beep] [beep] >> chris: what are some of the awesome powers of superman 61. aisha. >> destroying lady boner. chris: kwregs, points. kevin. >> the power to tell you his mother's name is martha. >> chris: points. rob. >> he has the power to make kids go outside. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next one, remember how mcdreamy and mcsteamy used to get your aunt moist?
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well now -- remember? [cheers and applause] >> chris: one guy carried it for you when you didn't think it was hilarious. he was double overred in the front. i'm worried about why. well, they even turned grey's anatomy into a nintendo wii game. >> due to the spreading of infectionious disease we are locking down the hospital and placing those infected in quarantine. >> i use to be so afraid of going to the hospital. after seeing that i can't wait to go to the hospital. >> chris: think of the high hospital -- >> makeout with doctors. >> i love the moment, everyone is about to die, make out with mcsteamy. >> chris: exactly. what's an even less appropriate tv to video game adaptation? kevin smith. >> call of howdy duty.
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>> grand theft carpool karaoke. chris: yes, points. get of [beep] out of the car. i believe i can fly. [ applause ] >> chris: next, i'm guessing there aren't a lot of duck dynasty fans who are hardcore gamers, but that didn't stop this from getting made. >> alright beardless nephew welcome to the duck blind. i know what you are thinking you have been to a duck blind before. big deal there. is a difference this time around. [cheers and applause] >> chris: is this real life? what is the difference about the duck blind this time around. >> this time, special guest dale earn harearnhardt jr. will be ho give you a handjob. >> ooohhh! >> i'm late, i'm late. pit stop.
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(car noises). >> go, go g, go! chris: i defy you to show me something we can't turn no a handjob joke. [ applause ] >> chris: and that brings us to our live challenge, @midnight 64. is it it seems like every movie show -- movie show, movie show and tv program. these movie shows. >> did you direct your first movie show. >> first movie show. chris: eventually they get turned interactive. and hey, maybe an @midnight video game should go into development. so comedians, over the break, i want you to come up with a line from a cut scene from the video game version of @midnight. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight!
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and hopefully launch the "@midnight" video game. tonight is tag team tuesday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so hi, i'm paul. i switched to sprint because all networks are great. we're talking within a 1% difference in reliability of each other. with sprint's unlimited plan and my amazing iphone 7 i've got all the data i need to learn the things i want to do. fourth video today. good thing i don't have to worry about overages. (vo) get unlimited data, talk and text. plus, hd video and 10 gbs of mobile hot spot $22.50 per month for 4 lines. and now, the offer everyone's been waiting for... for people with hearing loss, get iphone 7 on us. visit
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ our your taste buds obseall tied up.ave sweetarts soft and chewy, cherry punch ropes. twist 'em. share 'em. love 'em. sweetarts. follow your tart.
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it's a lightly fruit heflavored, low carb,g. spiked sparkling water. so now you can make the ultra light choice. henry's hard sparkling. the ultra light choice. (cat meows) ♪ (snap) ♪ (cat meows) sheba® perfect portions™. what cats want™
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[ [ screams ] ] [ shouting ] brace yourself! this is crazy! [ tires screeching ] whoo! boom baby! rated pg-13. [ screams ] [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: you started shouting at me. >> trying to pump you up. chris: i'm pumped up. appreciate that. before the break, i showed you a bunch of awful licensed video games. i asked you to come up with a line from a cutscene from the video game version of @midnight. let's hear what you came up with. kevin smith. >> mom, i must not tell anyone
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the dark secret i only said yes to being on "@midnight" years ago. i mistook chri chris hardwick fs thin white dopplegamer. >> chris hardwick, probably not the time i dinged your car when i pulled in. i was pretty high. you have to be careful where you park, dude. >> chris: aisha. >> the studio is freezing cold, the snacks are [beep], my podium seems to be held together with the discarded tissues of your filthy self love. to the depth of hell, chris hardwick. ron funches, finish him. >> chris: a thousand points to aisha. 500 to ron and kevin. our next game:
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scattered, smothered, covered and sued. we take you now to alabama, the florida of louisiana, whose state flag is a tie fighter is about to lock onto luke's x-wing. well a local alabama waffle house is getting sued by a neighbor guy who claims grease from the podunk griddle eatery is seeping into his yard and ruining his house's pipes. comedians, what are some other things waffle house does to get sued by its neighbors? i'm putting 60 seconds on the begin. >> not enough urine in the ice tea. >> sudden flash floods of the river vomit. >> constant clean up of murder suicide. >> they attract too many [beep] belgiums. >> chewing gum in the condom dispenser, now i have a sister baby. >> chris: points. ron. >> the prostitutes that give hand jobs in the parking lots use maple syrup. >> that's just nice. that's extra bonus. >> as lube i don't know. >> it's what they call canadian
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hj. >> chris: a hundred points to sketch for. that. >> they fly the confederate flag and gay flag. that's just confusing. >> chris: points. >> they want a neighbor with conventions not one that always waffles. >> chris: very good. i have to give you -- >> i promised my mother i would do one clean joke. love you mom. >> chris: that's good. that was some british leveled word play there. mom is proud. >> the hand drier in the bath room is a fat guy farting hot farts on your hands. >> again that's just nice. [ applause ] >> that's just a personal touch. >> i want to point out i did that for a while. prprofessionally. >> chris: the air blades. get in there --
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>> the guy. chris: alright. that's the end of that game. rob, sorry you're in third place. we have to eliminate you. >> the travesty. travesty. >> chris: i'm sorry, rob any last words before you get the waffle house gift card. >> you took some of the sting out of it. >> no the usual go to hell, hardwick and screw all you people. [ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to go to fresno, it's for the win! devin nunes, the fresno republican who admits to being both republican and from fresno, looks like this. there he is. but mr. nunes, who has been accused of sharing intelligence reports with trump before sharing them with the house intelligence committee, which is a big no-no and possibly illegal, was apparently young
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once. take a look: there he is. hey, what's up real life demone. i want to you write this dorky head shot superlative. we'll have our comedians' answers and name the winner when we come back on @midnight. [cheers and applause] ♪ [ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? oh, here, check this out. ♪ [ meows ] temptations. cats can't resist. [ meows ] classic hershey's outside. with a new creamy, crunchy inside. new hershey's cookie layer crunch. classic reimagined.
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[car[clicking of ignition]rt] uh-- wha-- woof! eeh-- woof! wuh-- [silence] [engine roars to life] [dog howls] ♪ dramatic opera music swells from radio ♪ [howling continues]
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how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. ♪ we are not here to sit idly by. we are leave a mark. experience a shift in the natural order. experience amazing. [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to
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@midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. it all comes down to this moment. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break i showed you the high school yearbook photo of reprehensible dweeb and fresno republican devin nunes. i asked you to write his yearbook superlative. let's see what you came up with. first one ... devin nunes ph *eft likely to have a hard drive filled with archer porn. >> chris: probably so. number two ... most likely to blow precedence and presidents. [cheers and applause] number two has it. who was number two? it was kevin smith! >> chris: we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be dan st. germain, jenna elfman and stephen schneider. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #budgetmovies and become
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tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. and the facebook. be nice to each other. be nice to each other. good night. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ timmy, timmy, timmy, timmy ♪ ♪ timmy, timmy, leh-bah-la timmy ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - okay, children, step off the bus and form a group next to the nice redneck. i mean, rancher. - hello, boys and girls, my name is rancher bob. - let's all say hello to rancher bob.


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